There used to be a magazine ad by a famous business tycoon who said that for him, "no" only ever meant "not yet". I expect sales people all around the web would nod their heads in recognition of that wisdom. Sometimes you just need to show people where their best interests really lie! But outside of sales, nowhere is this approach more important than in recording and preserving life story videos. Because, chances are, at least one of your subjects - if not more - will be hesitant or even down-right adverse to submit to the process.
Now, like any good sales person, to overcome objections to participating in a life story video you need to understand the objection. So, where do objections come from?
Well, one reason I sometimes run across is that, "I have written my life story already". And for some folks, men especially, the story of a life is all about the facts - when they graduated, their first job, size of the paycheck, the address of the house they bought and so on. Sometimes the men give short shrift to the emotional side of life. (I do wonder if this is one of those "Men are from Mars" things.) As priceless as a written memoir is, writing is not well suited to capturing the feelings of the person as they confronted the key events in their lives. We all know that most communication is non-verbal - as humans, we really need to see the person to know the person.
So when confronted with the "I have written my life story already" parry, point out that you really want to capture their personality, their humor, their moments of sadness - and their joy. You what the whole story.
Another common reason that subjects are sometimes reluctant to record their life stories on video is vanity: "I don't look so good any more..." Very often, this reason is masked by other excuses. Conversely, another stopper can be a lack of vanity: "I haven't done anything amazing!"
There are also occasions when the subject is ill, even dying, and just doesn't seem to have the interest or the energy for a life story video.
And even though the subject is retired, their life may still be very busy. Retired folks have the busiest schedules of anyone I know! So that can become a barrier.
Now, combine all these possible excuses with the fact that in most cases, the subject is a parent or a grandparent. Maybe your parent or grandparent. You don't like to push too hard - why start a fight? Often there is a sibling who takes the side of the reluctant subject. It can get a little fraught.
In response to all these problems, there should never be acrimony.
This is what I tell subjects who are reluctant to record their life stories in a documentary:
"Recording personal history is not a vanity project. You don't do it for yourself. You do it for future generations, so that they can get to know you - as well as your ancestors. Because to know who we are, we need to know where we came from."
I ask them: "What would you have given for the chance to get to know one of your grandparents or great grandparents first hand? To hear them talking about life life, childhood, school days, how they met their spouse and what values or experience they would like to pass down to you. How precious would that be? You can't put a price on something like that."
I then think of my husband. His big regret is that he didn't get to know his grandfather. Everyone said he had a marvelous Irish sense of humor. But that never comes through in photographs. He imagines having a film of him talking - and joking. Video cameras and editing suites weren't around when he died - but they are now. He would give anything now to see his grandfather "live".
I also ask reluctant subjects to think of their grandchildren. With families sometimes living so far apart, grandchildren often don't get to know their grandparents. "Don't you want your grandchildren to know their history, to know about your own parents and grandparents - and their challenges, and successes? Don't they deserve to know your story? Do it for them. Because however old they are now, there will come a time when they will want to know your whole story."
Sometimes I get a little poetic: "We have all held the hand that held the hand that goes back through the generations who saw the industrial revolution, the middle ages, the rise of Christianity, the genius of the Greeks. Palm to palm, fingers squeezing fingers: we are links in a marvelous human chain. Recording life stories on video honors your part in that linkage, and keeps it alive for those who will come after."
Finally: "You know, when you are gone, the thing that your family will value most is not the estate you leave behind. It will be you - memories of you. Who you were, how you thought, who you loved. It will be the chance to re-establish a connection with you - every time they watch your video life story. It's a kind of immortality. It's a kind of magic."
And life story video is a kind of magic.
The distressed (or even dying) subject? My experience has been that families are loath to bother an ill parent or grandparent. But subjects are almost always energized by the chance to tell their story. One of my subjects was a beautiful woman with a loving family who was very ill - near death. When we started, she seemed very quiet and very gray. As the morning wore on, she grew stronger and more animated. She did a marvelous job recounting the details of her long and interesting life - which we quickly edited into a life story video along with her photos and old home movies.
A life story video captures the stories and the subject's laugh, the way they use their hands when they talk, their smile, their accent, their kindness, their acuity, their pride, their pain, and their tears: Their humanity. Can there be a more important legacy than that? And that is precisely what my business Your Story Here Life Story Video is dedicated to helping people create.
So if your loved one is reluctant to share their story, ask them again. In life story video, "No" just means "You need to try a little harder to convince me!" And you must. You must convince them. Future generations are depending on you.
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